GRIM TIDINGS from the FIRST ISLE — mine LORD OF FOUR BERRIES, TACTLESS of the FIRST ISLE, hath struck again.
It began with a MURDER… the name of these poor victims? They TWO were both known as the JOHNS, though they went by other names: the LOO, the HEAD, the PRIVY… and most formally, the POTTY.
A HEATHENOUS BAGGER, curses upon them of course, did so carefully remove two PORCELAIN THRONES from a LATRINE on the SECOND GALLERY of the BEACH.
To this MURDER, a team most formidable was assembled by the LORD OF FOUR BERRIES, the TACTLESS of that FIRST ISLE, who conscripted MEN-AT-ARMS (MEN-AT-JOHNS?) to safeguard the SIXTEEN LAVATORIES of the ISLE: careful SENTRY, much like the front gate, was ordered to every CAN in the LAND OF MICKEY MOUSE, until the culprit was found.
Yet this BAGGER did not appear! It seems the careful SENTRY of our AFFIXED CHAMBERPOTS still did not present the MURDERER. The LORD OF FOUR BERRIES, in his wisdom, deemed greater measures must be taken!
The CONSTABLES of INSANE GATE were called to investigate this crime, yet no one came forward. There was, and could never be, any true evidence of the PERPETRATOR of this crime.
So, in the spirit of true JUSTICE, the TACTLESS, under the TOXIC DEALERSHIP of the LORD OF FOUR BERRIES, are responsible of these CRIMES AGAINST DECATS:
— The TACTLESS of the FIRST ISLE did deem himself above the HIGHEST COURT, the GRAND COURT OF HONOR, and in violation of the HONORABLE MANUSCRIPT, demanded that STATEMENTS OF HONOR be taken of every DECAT in the FIRST ISLE.
— During the LATE EVENING of this night of publication, and for every week henceforward until the TERMINATION of the year, the FIRST ISLE shall conduct weekly meetings on DEALERSHIP… although the TACTLESS will not be present. Because surely the TACTLESS are above any such lost RESPITE FOR SHENANIGANS?
— All RESPITE FOR SHENANIGANS for all SIX-HUNDRED strong CITIZENS of the FIRST ISLE has been restricted.
And what else has been threatened? A SATURN’S DAY SPECTION, perhaps ADDITIONAL PHYSICAL WORK? A practice ROYAL PROCESSION at five and thirty in the wee hours of FRYGGA’S DAY MORNING?
Threats. That is the way of DEALERSHIP now in my LAND OF DICEL. Threats, and punishment for ALL CITIZENS, for instead of one culprit, surely ALL are culprits. DECATS are beneath the understanding of mine LORD OF FOUR BERRIES, who leaves early and dresses MOST COMFORTABLY (not even in the REGALIA OF THE DAY!) even as his DECATS suffer.
LORD OF FOUR BERRIES: do you even know that the BAGGER was from the FIRST ISLE in the first place? Do you not think that some DECAT somewhere, were they to know the BAGGER’S name, would not have already come forward if they knew, if only to release thine TYRANNICAL GRIP from the FIRST ISLE? Think back to earlier in this STRANGE YEAR to when other such incidences of MASS INCARCERATION occurred — how long did it take for individuals to come to thee with information? An hour? Two hours? A day?
It has been one WEEK’S TIME.
This is LUNACY, though sadly acceptable for a LUNATIC.
Your PIMP shall break away from the POISONOUS PEN for but a moment to conclude this EPISTLE as succinctly as possible.
The Corps has no voice. The TACs of the First Battalion are hypocrites and tyrants. Group punishment is not permissible for the Cadets except as it is convenient to the aims of the LORD OF FOUR BERRIES and his CRONIES. Excessive punishment, particularly for those not responsible, is now the norm. The Corps does not run the Corps in 1st Battalion; the Corps has no incentive to, for when all suffer, motivation dies.
For mine SLUMNI and DECAT readers both: use your PERSONAL DEVICES to search the term “Emotional Intelligence.” It is one of the most fundamental characteristics of a leader, and yet is so completely and utterly lacked by the TACTLESS of the FIRST ISLE. Search it, and you shall see how far the hypocrisy extends.
Perhaps the LORD OF FOUR BERRIES would like to defend his actions, for your PIMP did hear that he was most BESIDE HIMSELF of the PIMP’s last EPISTLE.
Well: Do it then, COWARD. Open thineself up to an OPEN FORUM with the DECATS under your rule. Let them debate thee. Defend thineself. Let them ask thee TRUE AND PROPER questions. Do not end their speech because ye think thineself to be so HIGH AND MIGHTY.
No. You are not a big man. You are a small one.
I am now, and FOREVERMORE, thine FREE CORPS PIMPERNEL.