Class of 2022’s First Impressions on Their 1st Sergeants

As “Challenge Week”, formerly known as “Hell Week”, comes to an end, we take the time to reflect on the day that it all began. Every Cadet 1st Sergeant in the Corps was asked, “What was the funniest and/or dumbest thing a knob did on Matriculation Day?” and some of their answers were comedy gold! All the knobs had to do was turn in their phone and sign the room roster to receive their key and guidon. Yet even these simple tasks became far more difficult to the anguish of knobs, and the entertainment of their upperclassmen.

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 “What Are You Wearing?!”

“One kid showed up in Chuck Taylors. Another guy came up with cowboy boots and a big belt buckle on, looking like he just came from the Wild West. They both got a lot of attention.”

“I’m originally from another company, and this kid showed up wearing that company’s shirt. His brother is a classmate of mine from that company, and the kid had no idea I was going to be sitting there. He said his brother set him up…”

“He showed up in a Hawaiian T-shirt and then tried to write his name using the pen, but started writing with the pen upside down, and then continued to write even though he realized that the pen was not right side up.”

“There was one knob who, when he was issued his key went up to his room, not one minute later came back down and said, “I lost my key”, so I sent my clerk to fix the problem. There was another knob who decided to wear a shirt that said “Legend” and underneath it was a picture of Steve Irwin wrestling a crocodile. My clerks told him to never wear that shirt again.”

“The night of Matriculation Day when we were taking them all to the showers in their bath robes, there was one knob who came out wearing the plastic garrison cap rain cover as a shower cap. He felt he needed to wear it to the shower.”

“Were You Even Listening?!”

“The very first kid was told to go up to his room with his stuff, change into PTs, and to stay there until he was told otherwise. Instead, he comes back down in full PTs to toe the line. Another kid wore flip-flops and busted his toe open leaving my table.”

“I was checking in one knob and another knob, that I had sent away prior to this knob at my table, came down in PTs, but he was not wearing his belt, camelback, or knobby pouch, so he was in a completely broke uniform. He posted behind the other knob, and he was just standing there like he was trying to hide from me. I was so confused that I stopped what I was doing with the other knob and I asked him “What are you doing?!”. He popped his head around and looked confused like he was supposed to be there, when he really wasn’t. I started yelling at him telling him to go to his room and stay there until he was told to come down.”

“The Preppers”

“One knob showed up with a schedule with an entire schedule of the academic year, four barber shop tickets, a guidon, and his FERPA form. He walks up, and tries to sign the paper with all his crap in hands at the position of attention. I tell him to take his phone in his opposite hand, which is already full, and sign his name. He’s got his stuff, and he’s trying to switch his hands, his stuff was going all over the place, and I finally tell him “Look, set your freaking crap down on my table!”. He sets his crap down, goes through it, and then he walks away and doesn’t even pick up his papers. Two days later, he quit.”

“A knob tried to look me in the eye, and I told him not to look at me. I guess he had some pre-knowledge about The Citadel, because he immediately started bracing.”

“The Shaky Ones”

“I had a kid with an accent show up, he was a little on the chubby side, he was absolutely shaking from head to toe, and his hands were flat, pointed straight down towards the ground. I just look at him, and he’s looking down at me, and I told him “You cannot look at me, look forward”. He says, “sir yes sir”. I ask him what he’s doing with his hands, and then he clenches them up and starts shaking so bad that he’s moving his feet.”

“A knob that was visibly shaking said he wasn’t feeling well. I asked him what was wrong, and then he passed out.”

“This kid came to the table and said “Sir”, and I was like “Are you serious right now?! Sir?!” and I told him, “You’re going to say it until you get it right!” and he was like “Ma’am, ma’am, ma’am, ma’am, ma’am, ma’am, ma’am!!!”

“One knob was visibly shaking before he even got to my clerk, and my clerk says like three words to the kid and he turns ghost white. He finally walks up to me, and I tell him to sign his name on the room roster. The pen was messed with a little bit, and as soon as he wrote his name, the pen just broke in half! I thought that kid was about to pass out, he was so scared!”

“Are You Proposing?!”

“There was a kid who said his full name, and I told him, “You only have one name here!”, but he thought I said “One knee” so he got down on one knee and was just chilling there. I yelled “Get up! What are you doing?!”

“When the knobs came to my table I would have them look straight ahead; they wouldn’t look at me or my clerks. I let them sign in and then told them “Look at me, what name is, and I’ll be your 1st Sergeant this year, get out of here”. Well, one knob walked up, got his stuff, signed in, but when I told him to look at me, I don’t know what he was thinking, but he dropped down to one knee until he was eye level with me while I was sitting down. It took me a second… But I finally said “What are you doing?! Get back up!” and it took everything in me not to die laughing right there! My clerk had to turn away.”

“The Gaudy Knobs”

“I asked a knob why he was here, and he said, “To go to The Citadel”, and told him “Obviously! That’s why you’re in battalion right now!” I asked another one and he said, “To get my education better”. A clerk asked a kid why he was here, and he said, “Because I wanna be”. One kid straight up told me “This is easy” and I said, “Well yeah, we haven’t done anything yet….”

“This kid walked up with a gnat on his face, and I told him “Get the bugs off your face before you come to my table”! He slaps himself as hard as he possibly can at my table. I ask him “Why did you hit yourself so freaking hard?! I didn’t tell you to hit yourself that hard!”. I wound up getting in trouble for that, but it was pretty funny.”

“There was one kid who walked up, trying seem like he was David Hasselhoff, had his shirt all the way unbuttoned except for the last three buttons, chest hair popping out everywhere… Well I started racking him out, and he starts shaking, and I ask him “Son, what’s wrong? Calm down!” He looks me in the eyes and says…. “I can’t stand up straight sir. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I can’t stand up straight!” I just turned around and I couldn’t even stop laughing, and just told him “Get out my face, I can’t deal with you right now!”

-Rhaei Brown PB’20

 

 

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